The Pigs of the Hyperclass

146

Allegorical chronicle of an Europe in autopilot mode

Satire of an otherworldly power

Everything is under control.

At least, officially.

It is in this extraterrestrial Europe that the little story that follows takes place.

They say that in every man there is a pig that lurks. Some have made a career.

Here is a story about greedy pigs…

The train had left Kiev in the night.

He never really stopped. He only slowed down to let those who had been called away up or down.

In the central wagon, the pigs occupied the most comfortable seats, reinforced «for reasons of safety and decision-making comfort».

Files were stacked in front of them, and on the table, a suspicious object was quickly removed from view by a camera.

Pig-like gazes suddenly fell upon them.

Maybe a truffle.

One of them grumbled softly as he adjusted his glasses.

— Agreement validated!He immediately translated for an assistant.

No one asked what agreement had just been ratified.

Through the windows, agricultural, residential, or transit areas were visible. Everything seemed classified into compartments even before being observed.

— The satisfaction indicators are bad, declared a pig.

— We may have to send troops to the ground.

An embarrassed silence ensued.

— Not so simple. Patriotism reserves are currently too weak.

— We had, however, planned that providing helmets and vests would be sufficient.

— And then the Ukrainian recruitment agencies are not yet considered exhausted.

— And in the name of equality, There are still the women.

— Okay! In the meantime, we still need to accompany our Public opinion.

The three pigs were neither reckless nor courageous.

For a long time, they had learned never to upset some pigs who were bigger than them.

The resounding Outlander Pig from the Atlantic.
The wicked Phacochère of the Middle East.
Their very names were enough to lower the tone of the conversations.

The silence that followed seemed to say it all.

No one mentioned the Little Isle Wild Boar.
Officially, the case was closed.

Secretly, everyone avoided asking why so many influential Pourceaux had frequented the place. His shepherding selection.
The files had disappeared.
The witnesses too.

We moved on to the next item on the agenda.

The train then entered an administrative tunnel, and for a few minutes everything simply became a series of decisions being processed.

In Brussels, A new topic mobilized the main pig farms on the continent.
Despite the considerable efforts made in recent years, a fraction of the herd continued to exhibit irrational behaviors.

The most recent analyses were considered to be concerning.
A new large-scale health campaign was envisaged.
The experts were stunned: there Grande Porcherie Sanitaire, the Observatory of Bovine Behaviour and the College of Certified Truths.

Unanimous conclusion: deficit of trust among the governed.

In the face of conspiratorial objections from all quarters, new bodies were created to enlighten recalcitrant minds:

— Observatory of Farm Theory; ;
— Institute for the Validation of Reality; ;
— Authority for Vigilance of Conspiratorial Activities.

Their mission was simple: to distinguish the real from the fake, the rational from the irrational, and to remind the masses of what was good for them., in accordance with human and civil rights.

A report indicated an increase in the number of demonstrations.

— Should we be worried?

— Certainly not.

— Why?

— The demonstrations constitute a a recognized indicator of freedom of expression.

— And the outbursts?

— They constitute an indicator Recognized for operational training.

The phenomenon was reclassified as a «success of democratic governance».

Since the political situation was now satisfactory, we moved on to the economic situation.
The pigs examined a report that had already been read by everyone and understood by no one.

Unemployment is rising.

Cost of living on the rise.

Debt rising.

Institutional satisfaction stable.

Another case was mentioned.

— The price of fuel is rising.
— False problem! The pig replied, originally the idea of taking less showers came up at the beginning of the conflict.
— Why?
— You just don’t have to fill up the tank. You can even pay less.

We moved on to the next point.

On a photograph, a man was sitting at a desk, hands on the face.

— Our services have not yet identified him.

— Hypothetical assumptions?

— Russian minister?

— No. The photo comes from a French news channel during a briefing.

— Media expertise: Four-star general in strategic interpretation.

The collapse of the Russian economy and the military It had been imminent for several years; the strategy was therefore continued.

A supplementary note, however, recalled that once the Ukrainian affair was over, Russia could take its revenge on Europe.

—But she’s losing, someone objects.

— Exactly, one of them replied.

— We must therefore prepare ourselves for Russia to go to war as soon as it has finished losing it.

The dossier was classified as a «threat with variable capabilities».

We then moved on to a more urgent topic.

A pressing request came from a pig with a rare longevity:

— Is the former decision-making seat damaged?

— No.

— So why replace it?

— For reasons of Republican continuity.

After consultation, the replacement was validated under institutional resilience.

Further on, an alert indicated an increase in Suicides among farmers.
It was automatically classified in the «known side effects» category.

A piglet sighed.
— We cannot govern from local emotions.

The phrase was recorded as a principle of stability.
The documents were signed without a signature.
By habit.

Bruno worked in the service «Citizen interface», a designation whose ambiguity was matched only by that of its competence.
He considered himself a translator.
His job was to turn the decisions of the pigs into phrases acceptable to humans.

Bruno appreciated the precision of the formulations. They gave him the impression that the world was finally becoming properly readable.

« Reduction of staff and increase in workload » became:
— adaptation of human resources to the new performance requirements.

«Progressive abandonment of certain areas» became:
— stabilization of territorial imbalances.

Sometimes he chose the smoothest version rather than the most accurate one.

He would soften certain formulations, not out of prudence, but out of comfort.
He had finally confused the correctness of a sentence with its effectiveness.

Over time, Bruno understood that these pigs They did not use their jargon to hide the reality.
They simply no longer knew how to communicate in any other way.

The proof appeared to him one morning, during a meeting devoted to a particularly thick dossier. on the reform of pensions.

— The citizens still refuse to accept the measure.

— For how long?

— Since its announcement.

He went through several pages before concluding that no category could be considered in which citizens could simply disagree.

— We must therefore continue our efforts in terms of pedagogy.

Some decisions still existed even when one stopped reading them.

He mentally noted that there was really no difference between understanding a situation and properly rephrasing it.
The file was classified in the category «consent during the acquisition».

The problem may not have been that citizens misunderstood the decisions.

The problem was that the decisions no longer lived in the same world as them.

Bruno sometimes had the impression that the train was going too fast for us to be able to look out the windows anymore. Fortunately, the holidays arrived.
Bruno left for Corsica driving his limousine.

At the end of a path, a herd of sheep blocked the road. The shepherd asked him to wait.

Bruno observed the scene for a few moments, unable to place it in a familiar category.
Then, wanting to impress his interlocutor, Bruno proposed a bet:

— If I find the exact number of your sheep, I will take one of them with me.

The shepherd, amused, accepted.

After several calculations, estimates, and statistical adjustments, Bruno announced:

— Two hundred forty-six.

The shepherd, astonished, confirmed.

Bruno immediately descended, grabbed a beast and tried to put it in his trunk.

The shepherd, laughing, threw at him:

— If I guess your profession, will you hand over my beast to me?

— With pleasure.

— One of those President's advisors!

Bruno remained frozen.

— How did you guess it?

The shepherd laughed.

— Oh poor... Easy! You came to explain to me how to keep my herd… and you’re leaving with the dog!

Author’s noteSome passages have been reclassified into the category of «verified facts». Contemporary satire faces fierce competition.

A few days before this publication, the French firefighters — once designated as firefighters, the soldiers of the fire whose motto is «Save or perish» — began a several-week strike to demand resources and personnel.

The problem was not, however, caused by the exceptional fires of this summer: their representatives are denouncing it. a situation that has lasted for twenty years.

It can be assumed that, in the wagon, someone will propose to classify the request for additional resources as a category «Mastery of the rescue».

Soon on your screens, Jupiter, eyes to eyes:
— Five more years, Mr. Firefighter, «we are still at war»